Loneliness is actually a health risk. If you
allow people to suffer from loneliness, it has the equivalent impact as smoking
15 cigarettes a day and is as big a risk as obesity.
Janet
Morrison, Chief Executive of Independent Age
Fat Wallets but No
Friends
Men grow lonelier and sadder as they age, whereas women’s
self-satisfaction accelerates, writes psychotherapist Thomas Joiner in a new
advice book to help men fight loneliness, a condition that creeps up over time,
“a lot like hair loss.” The condition of loneliness is not just psychologically
detrimental; its health effects can be as fatal as cancer and obesity, reports
Joiner, suggesting it is associated with “less restorative sleep” and
“decreased functioning of the immune system.” In a study of middle-aged men in
Sweden, “having a close attachment to just one person, like a spouse, did not
confer much protection against heart attack and death due to heart disease. But
having multiple friendships did.”
Joiner theorizes that men sustain fewer friendships than women
do in part because they are more narcissistic and self-centered. “Men seem to
be under the impression that friendships will always be provided for them, just
as they were in grade school.”
Also, men, more than women, focus on attaining wealth and
status, neglecting relationships. “A lucky few can get by on the friendships
they made back in the day. However, many cannot, and over time, men drift away
from friendships and simultaneously earn money and status. This leaves them
puzzled indeed—they spent years achieving money and status, finally got it, and
yet they feel lonely and empty.”
What a man needs is a gang. “Gangship is essential to
men’s well-being. The trouble with men is they tend to lose touch with their
gang. Though this will sound strange initially, this is why they watch sports
on TV,” he writes. “Lonely men at home alone crave a reconstituted gang. Hence
NASCAR and golf, the attraction to and fascination with, for men, represents an
attempt to vicariously experience gangship.”
A practical solution? Reconnect with your best friends
from youth, advises Joiner. “Have a reunion with them. It needs to be as
juvenile a time as the guys can muster, and ideally it needs to occur
regularly. The goal of the reunion is to reconnect the man’s social connections
when they were at their peak.” And, bring booze. “Alcohol probably does more
good than harm,” he says. “I am aware of several examples of people who have
banned alcohol from their lives, with very untoward effects. The poet John
Barryman and the novelist Jack London each stopped drinking in the weeks and
months before their death by suicide. Sobriety, far from contributing to their
well-being, seemed to accelerate their social isolation and thus fuel their
deterioration.”
Finally, reconnect with nature and call a friend a day.
“One approach to male loneliness is simply to revert to a more natural state of
interaction with nature, even if only in small doses. Staring out the window
for 10 seconds, for instance.” “Small doses of social connection are strong
medicine. You take your statin medicine every day, you take a third of an
aspirin every day—well, take your social medicine every day and call somebody.”
Loneliness Types
Men suffer from two forms of loneliness:
* Social Loneliness, related to a lack of social network.
Everyone needs people for "hanging out."
The first step to cure loneliness syndrome will be to
rebuild or develop a social network. Men seek out "buddies" that
fulfill their needs for social contacts--the guys at work, a tennis partner,
possibly a drinking buddy or two. Men also seek female friends for a social
network. Men have told me women friends are less competitive, more
compassionate, and better listeners than their male friends. In addition, it is
quite socially acceptable for men to go places alone so men, who do not have a
social network, can build one quickly if they choose to do so.
* Emotional Loneliness - absence of a close emotional
relationship.
Those superficial buddies, that can cure social loneliness
won't touch the emotional variety. That explains why people can party for weeks
and still feel lonely. Although even one close relationship can cure emotional
loneliness for many, which close relationship is much harder to build than a
social network. And, it seems particularly difficult for men to build.
Why?
1. Developing a close relationship can be scary. All
close relationships require self-disclosure. That frightens many men because of
the potential rejection factor. Many men fear making a "fool of
themselves" and just drop out of the game rather than risk it.
2. Just as with a love relationship, any close
relationship requires a certain amount of "chemistry," that click
that comes with finding a kindred spirit. Again, this becomes a "numbers
game." We need to meet many people to find our kindred spirits. Meeting many
people requires a lot of effort. Moreover, it does not happen quickly.
3. Developing a close relationship also requires a
non-competitive atmosphere. Dropping that competitive self is
hard-to-impossible for many men, especially those who have been socialized to
be competitive beings--as most men have been.
4. Developing a close relationship with female does not
work in many cases because of having sex too early in a relationship. Yet many
men equate sex with the end of loneliness, and as proof, that a woman cares.
They push for sex before they have developed the underlying closeness needed to
support an intimate relationship. Sex feels good for those few minutes, then
loneliness returns.
Recommendations
Men facing retirement or, even earlier, all men over the
age of 50, need to take time out for themselves, grow social networks and get
involved in hobbies or activities that get them out of the house. It is not
just important for their own mental and physical health but is essential for a
better older life and to prevent the health related concerns. There are five
suggestions to help you combat loneliness:
1. Make your own
friends
It's too easy to let the other half sort out your social
arrangements but make sure you have at least one night a week out with 'the
boys' or doing something for yourself. Men often only have acquaintances from
work or family in their social network. Take up activities that allow you to
grow those networks. If you are a proper grumpy and do not want to get involved
with others, get a dog. A dog will be a good companion and helps combat
feelings of loneliness. It will also help keep you fit.
2. Find time for
the things you like doing
There are so many activities, you could take up that
there is not enough space here to list them all. Think about things you always
wanted to do, but never got time, money, or courage. Take a ball; it is time
now, before it is too late to start.
3. Get in touch
with your feminine side
Like it or not, you need to open up about your feelings.
Men's inability to open up about their feelings is one of the major causes of
isolation. It is perfectly acceptable to talk about yourself and your
anxieties.
4. Smile
No, do not scare people in the street by grinning wildly
at them. I mean try to be friendly and nice, even if it is hard some days.
People tend to be nice back, and will be more likely to visit or help you out,
than if you are a grouch. No one wants to have a chat and a cup of tea with a
grumble guts.
5. Get online
Well, if you are reading this, you probably are already
au fait with technology. The Internet can be a lifeline to the outside world
and give you contact with people. You can contact people all over the world,
leave comments on blogs and chat online. The best part is if you are fed up with
them, it is easy to turn the computer off.
Sources and Additional Information:
